Sass in the Suburbs
Heartfelt opinions & anecdotes from the crazy girl next door
Unmaid to Order
Categories: Uncategorized

I was recently attending a social gathering, talking about the fact that I don’t cook or even enter the kitchen except to get beer or bean dip from the fridge, when someone piped in with, “Wow, wish I was stupid.”

WHAT?! I was so taken aback I literally just sat there with my mouth hanging open; my thoughts too frozen to allow the atrocities brewing in my brain to escape.

How does one rebuttal in the middle of a kid’s birthday party anyway?

Go the Forrest route, “Stupid is as stupid does.”

Channel my inner Mexican diva, “Ex-ca-yooooos-amay beotch?”

Rub it in with “Guess what, I don’t clean either, who is stupid now?”

I mean sure I didn’t learn my left from my right until my early 20s, say shit like “amaze balls, “supe jealz” and  “cray-cray,” think Jodi Arias is innocent, just recently learned how to use my passenger side mirror, live life based on reality TV colloquialisms, draw actual pies when figuring out division and frequently get lost in my own neighborhood, but I still don’t consider myself stupid.

The response I finally ended up squeaking out was “I bake.”  FAIL! This is the equivalent to my, “Not yet,” when people ask me if I have/want kids when I know damn well the answer is no. As if I need to defend or explain the fact that I don’t fucking cook or want kids.

What I actually WANTED to say was, “I went to college to ensure minimal cooking, cleaning or otherwise related homemaking chores.” This is a true statement, not meant to offend anyone, just speaking my truth.

I pretty much felt like I ruined my mom’s life by being born. Not that she made me feel that way at all, I was a spoiled, happy kid for the most part. I just felt bad that she was trapped in the house scrubbing toilets, wringing out diapers, slaving away in the kitchen and taking care of us kids instead of  taking on the world like Mary Tyler Moore, shacking up with a BFF like Laverne and Shirley or simply being sexy yet empowered like Elaine Benes.

Not only was she a stay at home mom, she was a stay at home without a car so she was literally stuck with us. She couldn’t go out on play dates, shop or even grocery shop without calling a cab. I made the decision early on that my future would not involve any of these obstacles.

Don’t get it twisted I give it up to all those who cook, clean, are moms (whether stay at home or not), are good at math, don’t talk like they are 12 and are direction savvy. But those things just aren’t for me.

My mom and grandma (who was also a stay at home mom) are two people I admire most in my world for all of the sacrifices they made and for instilling in me that I could be whoever and whatever I wanted to be.  

They encouraged my dreams to become a singer, actor, journalist, restaurant owner, lawyer, retail store owner, smoker and big busted blonde, all of which I pretended to be at a young age. Picture an eight-year-old me with a blonde wig, two tennis balls down my shirt, puffing on a Crayola, holding Kermit vs. Miss Piggy divorce court while singing Billy Joel’s “My Life” into the doorknob.

Those two lovely ladies are the reason I am who I am today; and who I am today is someone smart enough to not give a shit about what some people say or think.  We all say shit we don’t mean or don’t know anything about so I’m letting this one slide.

I’ve never once seen Leslie Knope, Peggy Olson or Liz Lemon in the kitchen.  Plus I’ve tried cooking and I totally suck at it, therefore I married a man who loves it so that I can spend my time becoming the world’s next Murphy Brown.

“Haters are gonna hate but I just love, love, love.”


6 Comments to “Unmaid to Order”

  1. Jennifer says:


  2. Jess says:

    Lol! That’s awesome. I love the Tereasa quote at the end!

  3. Joe says:

    Hallelujah. Plus if you had kids, how would you be able to go to Fast Eddies?

  4. Ron says:

    pipe down and go make me a sammich…

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