Sass in the Suburbs
Heartfelt opinions & anecdotes from the crazy girl next door
Hungry as a Hostage
Categories: Uncategorized

The world is a vampire, a gluttonous place really. Not 10 minutes into my day I was at 7-11 innocently purchasing  a $1 coffee and a banana when the nice lady comes at me with, “You buy brownie, $1!” She then shoves it in my face and begins to ring it up.

I was caught off guard but rather than say, “sure” like 90% of the obese population would, I barked out, “No, thanks. I don’t eat carbs.” She looked at me like I’d just told her that I was dying or that I was allergic to curry. She then proceeded to charge me full price for my coffee.

Upon arriving to work I checked my email only to find out that if I bought a salad at Corner Bakery I would earn myself a FREE pie! Ugh, so if you are smart enough to order a salad you have to be strong enough to forgo the pie or throw it at a homeless person.

Don’t even get me started on the coupons for 800lbs of fatty red meat accompanied by 27 different types of pasta, 35 red wines, 10 dozen cake pops and daily gallons of ice cream sent straight to your doorstep for $9.50! A $897 value! Who could resist?

And then there is Bon Chon (or as I like to refer to it, Bon Chin). Not since the days of talking to Sampson has it been this easy to access crack-like product via delivery.

Moving on to catered meetings filled with donuts, meat filled puffed pastery, milkshakes, curly fries,deep fried cupcakes and 2000 calorie “juice” drink.  I usually give the food a look of disdain as I pass it over and all those who are steadily shoving it in, a look of pity. You would think this would end the charade. It doesn’t.

Once you have thoroughly rolled your eyes at the food and its inhalers, one of them, (while chomping loudly and with carb crumbs flying all up in your area)  is sure to chime in with “live a little” or “everything in moderation, including moderation” or “eat the fucking coffee cake you skinny bitch.”

How about the cooking shows? If it’s not Paula Dean rubbing butter all over herself it’s Hungry Girl encouraging you to substitute actual cardboard for pizza dough. Where is the middle ground here? I don’t want to eat my weight in cheese or a burger sans meat with turnip fries! 

You have to be aware of your surroundings at all times. Your own mothers will try to push candy, chocolate and white flour on you without a second thought. Bless their hearts when they counter with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that a little cake and ice cream was that bad.”

It’s an uphill battle, and by uphill I mean you should think of the “fatter” when you are upping the incline on your treadmill.

Bottom line is that you gotta keep your head up (yeah, yeah) and your mouths shut. Next time you go to your local convenience store to buy beer (I never said anything about not drinking carbs) and you witness a crowd mesmerized by the rotating hot dogs and four day old taquitos, just shake your head and realize that yes, you are better than them.


1 Comment to “Hungry as a Hostage”

  1. Jeffrey LeGrand says:

    You have just brought down our entire economy LOL! These are the things that millions of hard working Americans rely on us to consume so they will have a job. Well done my friend, well done :-)

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