Sass in the Suburbs
Heartfelt opinions & anecdotes from the crazy girl next door
Cupid Shuffle
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In honor of Valentine’s Day I’d like to reminisce about some of my most pathetic ones to date. First there was the one where my boyfriend of 4 years and I had to meet at the restaurant because I wasn’t allowed to know where he lived. That’s normal right?

Next classic love day was with the pisser who broke up with me religiously before every holiday, birthday, summertime, wintertime and football season.  He’d not called for a week or so while he was out trying to bang everything in sight. Miraculously on Sunday afternoon (after V-day) he shows up begging for forgiveness, proclaiming his undying love, saying he had a special surprise for me.

Turns out the there was no surprise, just a recycled DVD of The Notebook that he’s swiped from his mom’s closet. I’d have preferred a cupcake that said EAT SHIT on it.

Which leads me to the current douche bag of the hour–the quintessential Canuck-fuck, the egg man himself–Bieber (spoken in the same tone as Seinfeld says Newman). Although he is larger than life he is still the epitome of any immature, wanna-be player, punk little boy that doesn’t give a shit about anyone except himself. His sole purpose in life is to get have fun, get drunk, high and laid.

He’s reckless, childish, selfish, stupid, crazy, a cheater, a drug dealer, a criminal, a womanizer and a mama’s boy, similar to all of my ex-boyfriends.  South Park was so ahead of their time when blaming Canada.

My heart goes out to Selena Gomez, she reminds me of a less-blonde, more-ethnic version of my former self. She’s fallen prey to an ignorant loser, much like we all have at low points in life. The Mexican princess herself was actually admitted to rehab due to her “addiction” to the pimple faced wanksta.

In between his swigs of high-octane suzzurp, blunt pulls and hallucinations, he claims that her infatuation is her own fault….and I unfortunately I may have to agree with the little bastard.

I’m 100% certain that their series of break-ups are a direct derivative of the fact that he can’t keep his little dick in his big boy pants but yet still wants to have the girl to chill with on Sunday afternoons when he’s out of serotonin and energy. However it takes two to tango; only YOU can prevent forest fires and guys from treating you like garbage.

Sure, he probably does “love” you in his own sick-ass way but is that what you really want to settle for? Being a late night booty call, a “during the week girl” or the one he turns to when his mom is dying of cancer?

I’m sure you’re thinking, “but he may change one day,” he may also get hit by a train, abducted by aliens or score 1800 on his SATs but the odds are not in your favor. From personal experience the Biebs in 10 years = a bald, fat, baby daddy, still acting the fool, pissing inappropriately and dating a waitress.

The most important nugget I learned from being in several long-term, pathetically doomed from the beginning, relationships  is that you have got to stand up for yourself. You have to be strong and tell the ex to “Get the fuck out of my house, please” when he comes begging for forgiveness. You have to have enough respect for yourself to free yourself from the Kung-Fu grip and realize that you deserve Emmitt not Warner (from Legally Blonde), that love isn’t supposed to hurt and that the longer you put up with the bullshit, the longer you will be prolonging the rest of your life.   Newsflash you are never going to look as hot as you do right now so you pretty much have no time to waste.

Make a list of the ways you are better than and without him. Selena should start with the fact that she is a 21-year old bombshell who has been pounding the pavement, stacking papers since age 4 as one of the original kids on Barney.  Justin’s mom was a groupie who sucked off Usher backstage during his Canadian Bacon tour. This has not been proven but I feel it to be a likely scenario.

My advice to Selena and anyone in this sort of predicament is to go all out this weekend, in reality Valentine’s Day is for the singles, enter Galentine’s Day. The perfect day to go anti-love, get your girlfriends together, dress up in your sluttiest outfit, listen to Taylor Swift, hit the town and drink til he’s cute (as long as he is someone new). Think of it as a new beginning, your way to avoid ending up with egg on your face.

Take advantage of this occasion while it still bares relevancy—once you meet your real prince charming and are happily married, Valentine’s Day is merely a day to avoid going out to dinner, an excuse to eat a giant-heart shaped cookie and a chance to break out all of your bachelorette party presents.

After all when love is true you don’t need a random day or grocery store flowers to celebrate it, for the kind words and gestures become a part of everyday life.

And I would’ve never known had I not stopped beliebing.

This is dedicated to my all of my ex-boyfriends, eat your heart out bitches, I was definitely the one that got away.




1 Comment to “Cupid Shuffle”

  1. shannon c says:

    this was so good!!

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