Sass in the Suburbs
Heartfelt opinions & anecdotes from the crazy girl next door
Hatin for the Holiday
Categories: Uncategorized

We all know the haters are gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate; here are some of the things I just couldn’t shake off.

  • Bill Cosby. Trust me, I don’t think Cliff Huxtable drugged and assaulted all of those women, but I’m fairly certain that Bill Cosby had something to do with it. Thanks for never allowing me to eat a Jell-O Pudding Pop again without feeling sodomized. J-E-L-L NO MEANS NOOO!
  • While I admit to knowing most all of their songs and lyrics, if Iggy Azalea, Katy Perry (I’ve banned myself from this ho after Dark Horse), Megan Trainor or Taylor Swift beat out Sam Smith for a Grammy we all might as well give ourselves a swirly, play some of that old time rock and roll and bow our heads in the name of our parents who always told us that our music sucked.
  • il·lit·er·al·ates: Those who don’t know how to properly use the word “literally” yet insist on saying it all the fucking time. “I literally just went to the store.” No, dumbass, you went to the store. “I literally just bought some milk.” NOPE. The definition of this word was actually changed in the dictionary to accommodate for all the jackasses who fuck it up.The original and correct time to use it is when you mean “without exaggeration.”  Like when you say something like, “I am so hungry I could eat a horse.” This is called a figurative statement boys and girls, meaning it’s not actually happening. However, if you were in Japan (where horse is served as a delicacy) you could say, ““I am so hungry, I could eat a horse, literally.” Get it? If not then stop saying it! If you DO get it, please make it your calling in life to obnoxiously call out all misusage of said word from this day forward so help me god.
  • The big old, big old butts trend. While I am enjoying the “back” that my new found lbs. have earned me and while I love a Twerk Alert as much as the next girl, I am still concerned that Kim K. may not be able to properly clean herself. I guess that’s what Kayne is for. And since when did butt cheek clapping and booty slapping become a college prerequisite? These idiots are the ultimate ass clowns, literally.
  • Speaking of creepy clowns what the fuck is the deal with the Elf on the Shelf? I guess the kids nowadays are too afraid of exercise and hackers to be freaked out by an evil doll that moves on its own, but that thing scares the shit out of me. Only literally if shit came out of my ass every time I saw it, not to the level yet thankfully.
  • Congress claims that decriminalizing marijuana will make teens more prone to experiment. Newsflash—teenagers are going to continue to make stupid decisions no matter what the law is. They are going to drink, screw and smoke because that is what they do. And hey when is the last time a professional football player got so smacked on weed that he blacked out and beat the hell out of his girlfriend in an elevator? Just saying, leave weed alone!
  • I’m truly offended by anyone who thinks the Redskins name is more offensive than their piss-poor performances and desperation driven decisions making skills. I don’t think it’s racists to say that all three of our quarterbacks suck but I could be wrong. If I am wrong feel free to loot your neighborhood Best Buy in protest.
  • I am used to being berated at the nail salon for not having or planning to have any kids. The usual, “You have baby NOW!” and “You die alone if not,” are a normal part of my reg mani/pedi experience. But lately I am also being judged for not getting the double-the-price but lasts the same amount of time gel manicure. I understand that people adore the gel and that is the best thing that has ever happened to them, that it is love at first sight and that it will take care of them when they get old, while I love other people’s gel manicures, they are just not for me.

I am truly lucky to be able to bitch and complain about such petty things. It just goes to show me that it’s a good life Charlie Brown and that I have been #blessed.

I wish you all happy holidays and a new year filled with the luxury of only whining and being upset about mundane, senseless, ridiculous, pedestrian garbage. Thank you friends and family of 2014 and especially to my little sister and her little baby that could, you are my heroes. Love you like a sister, literally.

 

 

 

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