Sass in the Suburbs
Heartfelt opinions & anecdotes from the crazy girl next door
Say Goodbye to Hollywood
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Years before Frank Underwood and Olivia Pope took in the beautiful skyline, showcasing national monuments, years of history and proof anything can happen, an unpolished girl from the burbs rolled through wearing her “court suit” and the attitude to fake it til you make it. 10 years later I’m a grown ass woman (kind of). I went from nervous and unsure to realizing that I’m pretty much the best and I now it’s time for me to fly. Break out the cups, When I’m gone, when I’m gone, you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone. It turns out I’m going to miss a few things too.

  • Being a city hipster dufus. Hanging out at non chain bars, being on top of all current trends, abbreviated language and the latest cray cat videos; this city strives for world-class, class and hipness. Obvi, I’m totes ma goats going to miss being on the edge of the future.
  • Saturday, in the park… I KNOW it was the 4th of July.
  • People complaining about the sound of children’s laughter. Finally someone gets me! If I paid 1 zillion dollars for my house I’d expect some gd peace and quiet too!
  • The bro dudes in brown flip flops puking all over town. Even though they love gym candy, getting naked-drunk, talking shit and crying, family is family.
  • Knowing that “no one is perfect” is just a rumor made up by losers.
  • Group text messages of a photo of a baby with a horse’s face and a horse with a baby’s face.
  • Taco trucks, even though I couldn’t get a hard taco to save my life. Just admit that you hate Texicans!
  • Tele-twerking – The dance I do when I wake up and realize I don’t have to battle 395 (fuck that skyline), do my hair and makeup or even shower! I’m sure I’ll telework again but the dance will never be the same.
  • Complaining at restaurants. I keep it one-hunned. I used to be you and I know that it isn’t that freaking hard to play nice and pay attention. It’s a life skill so, you’re welcome. My lunch crew will surely miss, “What the f#%k you mean I can’t use my Groupon on the buffet?!” and “I said SAUCE ON SIDE, BITCH!”
  • Being able to text my sis, ”me want taco”  or respond to her “me want taco” text and meet up for said tacos.
  • My favorite Bostontonian and fellow restaurateur whose stories never disappoint (esp. when about the Pats), has me looking forward to my 40s and always keeps it smoooooooooth. As promised, to the tune of Drunk on a Plane, “Throwing shots at everybody but the driver it’s a party, got the 6 or 7 of them crying like a weak bitch… I’d try anything to drown out the pain, I don’t know why I’m getting jumped on a train.”
  • As important as it feels to be Dorothy, I will NOT miss having to bring my phone to the bathroom in case the great OZ calls from his basement and needs food for his munchkin trolls.
  • My travel crew who always had my back when I mouthed off to strangers while out of town.
  • Ragtime and its ability to lift every voice and turn that frown upside down.
  • My Latina sister and former pen pal, bonded by our love for trash reality TV, Mike’s American and keepin it real.
  • My hero, my enabler and my right hand man, the only person I know who gets paid for going out and getting drunk at bars. Always the first one to suggest happy hour and last one standing! #dcafterfive
  • My Anne Perkins who is not only hot as all get out BUT is hilarious and knows everything. She’s also pretty cool for a white girl. You owe me a scrapbook bitch! Love ya :)
  • Complaining about all things transportation, I’ve hit the pole in a parking garage at least 7 times, the hotlanes have violated more ethics than A-Town on a Friday night and the metro is the hottest mess I’ve seen since Gizmo’s 1 a.m. ice bucket challenge at Summer’s during World Cup.
  • My resident hipster, who was hipster when hipster wasn’t cool. We commiserated and celebrated about getting married, buying a house and wearing the pants in our relationships and are both expecting (her a baby and me nightly foot rubs).
  • So many amazing women that were not only my mentors, colleagues and bosses, but my friends. I’ll never forget how you gave me a chance, believed in me and helped me to become a boss bitch. I learned it from watching you!

I could write a book about this place; in fact this whole time I’ve actually been posing as a 30 something year old while working on a tell-all expose. I never expected leaving the city some call soulless to make my soul feel a bit empty, but……I gotta do me! It’s been real.

Sass is headed back to the burbs bitches, where it all began, though I’m sure we will meet again..at the Dunky or the Starbucks or the Starbucks or the Starbucks or the Starbucks or the Starbucks or the Starbucks.

You’re gonna miss me by my quirk, you’re gonna miss me by my twerk ahh you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.

 

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