Sass in the Suburbs
Heartfelt opinions & anecdotes from the crazy girl next door
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Who would have thought that someone could beat out Jenelle Evans or Amber Portwood for biggest piece of shit teen mom to ever grace Dr. Drew’s presence? In their defense those girls are addicted to pills, meth, dust-off, Glade, Raid and losers. But at least they are trying to better themselves by heading to prison [...]

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I’m gonna pop some tags only got $20 in my pocket…. What what what what—being poor is finally trending? Where was this phenomenon when I was growing up? Who knew my dad was so innovative? When I was in middle school no one would be caught dead showing up to school wearing clothes from a [...]

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“Every 17 years the cicada nymphs crawl out of the ground, onto trees and shed their skins. The males sing very loudly to attract female mates.  They generally leave no lasting damage, except possibly to young trees and shrubs. You see them everywhere–on the sidewalk, on the trees, on the porch, on the street.” Has [...]

ri ri

I was shopping with my two year old niece the other day when she started singing every word of “We Found Love” by Rihanna. While still pretty impressed with K-Cup’s memory I realized that after the first minute, the song literally only has five words involved.I have always found Riri to be a talented songstress [...]

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I  recently came in third place in my Biggest Loser weight loss contest, and while my predicted reaction to losing was to flip the table, kick the scale and storm out of the weigh in, I was actually content, not to mention calm. This type of shit usually does not happen; I prefer to win! [...]

dear santa

Dear Santa, I wish: Ke$ha would die young already. While I admit that I routinely get my sweat on to her Pandora station, it has been brought to my attention that young impressionable, drug using moms everywhere are asking themselves “WWKD?” before making life decisions. MTV’s Teen Mom Jenelle risked violating probation in order to [...]

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“Big booty Judy reporting for duty,” this is what runs (walks) across my mind every morning when I look at myself in the buff. How did this happen? Oh wait, I remember… I got (semi) skinny for my wedding five months ago and have since challenged myself to drink a 24 pack of Bud Light a [...]


So I haven’t written jack shit pretty much since the faithful day that I got engaged over a year ago. I’m a sorry excuse for “today’s woman.” I should’ve been able to juggle it all and not let the aforementioned nuptial planning interfere but…I didn’t. I was busy dammit. In my defense I did document [...]


As a child there were few things that defeated me, 1 – having to go to sleep before all the good shows came on (i.e. Dallas and Falcon Crest), 2- not being able to eat candy whenever the F I wanted to and 3 – the dreaded one mile portion of the yearly Presidential Physical [...]


REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? Donovan McNabb and Santana Moss spotted hanging out at Hooters in Chantilly on a Thursday night. REALLY? Don’t get me wrong, I realize the implications of Thirsty Thursdays, but this is too much. Come on McRib, this is a new low, even for you. You are a no talent, overpaid, mother Fer [...]